I am overwhelmed. How am I supposed to pack for 4 months in one suitcase?! Anyone who knows me will tell you I am NOT a good packer. I over pack, I bring things I don’t need, I worry what if I want that one shirt or pair of jeans and I left them at home. My room looks like a bomb went off. Piles of clothes, shoes, books about Prague, memories I want to take with me are all over my floor. I don’t what my room will look like there. I’m wondering about stupid things like will I have hangers to hang my clothes on or do I even have a desk? I don’t even get to bring my own pillow or comforter. Talk about unfamiliar!
The past two mornings I have woken up with my heart racing, realizing that leaving is one day closer and I am so unprepared. I literally feel like I have been hit by train. I am emotionally exhausted, I can’t focus on anything. My mind and heart are in Worcester and I need to get them back. I need them here with me. I am trying to spend time by myself journaling, writing emails to the people I miss, and really getting in the mindset I need to be in before I leave but its hard when the one place I want to be is 406 miles away. And whats even scarier, is thats the closest I am going to be to it in the next 4 months.
I know this is going to be an experience I will never forget. And I won’t regret going. I want to travel and have my eyes opened to a whole new culture. I want to meet new people, attempt to learn a new language (I can barely pronounce any of the common phrases in my Czech phrase books). But right now, all I can think is I don’t want to go. I’m unsure if I can even get on the plane next Tuesday. I feel like I’m stuck. I almost wish I was leaving sooner because now I have all this time to sit around and think about what I have gotten myself into.
Two of my best friends sent me emails yesterday with words of wisdom that I need to start believing. They understand how hard this is and are trying to offer me comforting words. I get worried that things will change while I am gone. That I will come back to Assumption and it won’t be the place that I left. This is true, it won’t quite be the same, people will have left and others will have changed and grown over a semester. But that is how it is supposed to be. I will also change while I am in Prague. My friend sent me this quote which is perfect for what I am feeling, “even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends.”
The other email I got was perfect. It was like I was sitting right next to the person hearing her talk. Nothing had changed. Even though I don’t get the see these people everyday anymore, I know they are with me in this moment just like they always are. And that is making all the difference as I try to get myself ready to do this.